Inner Demons (I know it’s so unoriginal)

What will follow is more personal than I probably should be. But what the hell, it’s on my mind and I haven’t written in ages. Okay, maybe not ages, but seeing as my writing is how I want to make a living it’s been far to long.

For a year now my depression has been getting the better of me. It’s hampered my education, my finances, my social life… and well just about everything. This spring, after a few really frustrating and hurtful events I came to the conclusion that I was losing my battle to depression, and that I needed to do something about it. I started looking online at treatments for depression, and of course all suggestions pointed to meds and therapy. As I rule I hate taking meds (yes I know they can be beneficial). I look at all the side effects and wonder how much good they will actually do. Case in point, with my ADHD meds I could concentrate but I wasn’t hungry, so I didn’t eat. I lost a lot of weight and everyone I knew worried and had to remind me to/make me eat. I didn’t want to take meds for depression (maybe I was in denial of how bad it was, or I didn’t want to face the negative stigma associated with depression) and I sure as hell didn’t have money for therapy. So I tried looking into free counseling, with no luck. So for a few more months I spiraled further down the rabbit hole. Things got so bad that I considered checking myself into a facility.

Eventually my parents came back and their concern for my well-being was at the forefront of our conversations. I told them how I was considering inpatient programs, and they were all for it, but thought meds and therapy would do the trick. I mentioned my financial concerns (aka my lack of income) and they offered to help. I got in to see my old therapist and she, as always worked wonders. Getting meds on the other hand was a nightmare. I was going to have wait over a month to see someone who could prescribe me medication. Lucky for me (or rather not) I was in such bad shape that my family doctor took pity, on me and gave me a refill of the antidepressant prescription I had in high school. So by the middle of June I started therapy and was on meds two weeks later.

In therapy we talked a lot about how I hold very high and unrealistic expectations for myself, and my need for approval. In a few short weeks I made tons of progress. I started to feel more like myself again, and with help was finding the desire to move forward with my life. I started to work on my thesis again, in tiny bits and pieces (though it is still far from complete). And I began to look into moving and finding a new job.

The desire to get out of my parents place, and move forward with my life lead me here to Hawaii. Which everyone, including my therapist, said would be a good change. And though there have been some tough times, where I wanted to toss in the towel and go home I have persevered (with help from a few kind souls and my trusty green capsule). I have a new job, and probably have few new other side jobs on the way as well. Life isn’t perfect and I still struggle on a daily basis with how I’m feeling and the unrealistic expectations I place on myself. But I’m learning to put myself first, spending lots of time outside, and going on new and exciting adventures. I love being so close to the ocean and the mountains, it makes me feel like I’m in a Miyazaki film (which makes me grin and puts me at peace).

Yes I know most of this was a downer, sorry! Grr… no, I have got to stop apologizing, I do that too much. I want to assure you readers, that though I still struggle, I am making lots of progress and things here are going pretty well and I know they are only going to get better.

All my love!


2 thoughts on “Inner Demons (I know it’s so unoriginal)

  1. I love you a ridiculous amount, just so you know. And I’m so happy to see that things are improving for you. I know there’s a ridiculous time difference between Hawaii and Florida, but I’m only a message a away, should you ever need somebody to talk to. Also, Lainey says she misses you. ❤

    1. I love you too! I do know you are here for me. I think of you and your family everyday. Eventually I will get the time difference down and we will talk more. Tell Squish I miss her and too. ❤ I hope all is well. ❤

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